He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
