Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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