I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
