You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
