I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
