there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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