I seem to have left my pride at pride
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
