My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
