can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
do herpes really smell.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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