So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They took my balls.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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