420 ftw
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
