Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
