did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
