Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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