1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
