I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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