Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
why is half of my head shaved?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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