i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
