She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
