Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
