When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
