Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
