just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
