I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
