The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
