Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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