I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
