When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sext me about skeletons
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