How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
