so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
