Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
