I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
