Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
