i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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