I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
