I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you will always have a special place in my vag
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
