flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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