Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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