he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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