I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
