He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
