plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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