I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
