I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
