I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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