Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
