i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
