when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
