im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
