He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
