anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
