I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
