he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
