my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
