Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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