i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
