Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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